Maybe I’m doing this wrongly. It seems that day by day, I find more need to bite my tongue and lips even more than the day before, yet at the same time, I’m lashing out like I don’t care what’s going to happen tomorrow.
Maybe I don’t anymore. Maybe that’s it. I don’t see and end to this misery, and I have accepted it for what it is and I’m just going to live in it.
I’ll never have the guts to pack my bag and leave, really. I just say it, but we all know I’d never do it. Maybe I’ll do it, one day, when both my little sibs are safely nested away. Most importantly, my sister, in 2013. Long way to go, load up on the painkillers please.
One of my new years’ resolutions: Not to attend weddings. Seriously. I’ve lost faith in all things beautiful and magical about weddings. They make me want to cry, for the fucking wrong reasons. And that’s bad, I think.
Yesterday, we attended a friend’s wedding at a country club. My friend, not even a mutual friend. It was beautiful. It was of a Malay wedding format, where you can come and go as you like, but the venue was wonderful.
Ample parking with air-conditioning, I loved it. Yes this makes me sound like a high class bitch, and maybe I am. Or maybe I just have taste. Glass half empty, half full argument. But glass filled with undrinkable liquid, because I am not one who has the money to be saying all of this because I can’t afford it.
And hell no, I wasn’t gonna save up for one of that shit.
I got a little ticked off by the choice of words. He said, “Berapa you rasa dia buang kat sini?” Loosely translated, “How much do you think was thrown here?” I didn’t like it. Throw? Nobody wants to THROW any money. I voiced my concern and the sentence was corrected.
Still. That’s what got us all in this situation. The bad choice of words when speaking to others. I realise that though I have grown accustomed to nasty vocabulary, not everyone else is. Even I didn’t find it appropriate this time round.
You can’t change a man overnight. You can’t change a man. But you can change yourself, suck it in and cry yourself to sleep over it.
I’m not kidding. I’m probably being over emotional over shit like this, but sometimes I get so unhappy that I live in near fear about the wrong things being said and matters blown out of proportion.
I am not sure when I turned into some kind of sissy bitch who lives 2 lives, but I think it’s been like this a long time, just different roles assumed.
Carry on, just another day in a superhero’s life.
